Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
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Me looking for something to eat….
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Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
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Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
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*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
Of all of the profound disappointments that I have faced in my life, be they personal or professional, none is more firmly fixed in my mind, nor more likely to have caused my deeply-rooted trust issues, than the discovery at age four that Play-Doh doesn’t taste the way it smells.
*Struts like a peacock*
I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep
Cw – it was 10 minutes long!
Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper
Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
Self-cleaning conscience
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
Yelp Review: Babies
Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.
DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.