What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?
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Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.
I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.
People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.