*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
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Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”
ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.
ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
[commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’