[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.
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Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
You know that scene from The Office where Kelly updates Jim on all the celebrity babies and he says “that’s great. What’s new with you?” And she says “I just told you.”
Well, that’s my situation every evening in my marriage but it’s Kate Middleton.
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?
lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
One of the perks of using a wheelchair is that I can spin around when someone comes in the room and say “I’ve been expecting you.”
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.