Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
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Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.
I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
Me, about to be kicked out of a convention for the American Society of Egyptologists
“As we all know, the pyramids were built by the Pharaoh convincing two people to begin work, and those two people in turn convincing two people each. Then those four people each convinced
magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*
Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?
Boy: January 1?
Girl: Valentine’s Day?
Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.