Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL
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I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
Meow
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
[reading The Night Before Christmas]
son: what’s a kerchief?
daughter: what’s a clatter?
son: what’s a sash?
daughter: what are coursers?
son: what’s soot?
daughter: what’s a peddler?
son: what’s a thistle?
me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
Today sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth