*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
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—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.
Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.
Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.
Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?