Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES
Also me: is 40
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If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
My first son he is wonderful
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.