Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
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Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.
She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
*tries to be less adorable*
*fails*