In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
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Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
You know…for fall…
One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
5: dad is sixty eighty?
me: wtf
5: is today tomorrow?
me: the hell?
5: Saturday Sunday Monday?
me: hey honey, 5 is broken.
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.
FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.