adam and eve had first world problems
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We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.
Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?