My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
You Might Also Like
date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no
Mornin
There should be a job like: divorce doula. I’ll help you find a lawyer, convince you that you’re enough, take you out for drinks, let you vent & cry during that hard 18 months, eventually convince you that a $70 sex toy can replace anyone. Start to finish divorce support.
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a
My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class
boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
me: so how do you guys get around?
dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train
me: makes sense
dumbledore: fly a broomstick
me: fun
dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void
me: huh
dumbledore: bus
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos