If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
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My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.