me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
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You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
[watching christmas movie]
Me: who’s your favorite character?
Daughter: I like the grinch.
Me: but he’s the bad guy.
Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.
Me:
Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
Gemma Correll
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.
[speed dating]
HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father
ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now