My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
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Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
Me: Doc, I hurt my back.
Dr: What happened?
Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…
Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
I only say “I love you” to
1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.
Husband: But the seal is right th….
Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
Fake assault rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out should be called JK-47s
I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
Date: What are you thinking about?
Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.