One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
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Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”
Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
Me, at front door: I’m going running
Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?
Me: It’s me!
Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:
10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?
Me: I’m not sure.
Her: Is that other guy her brother?
Me: Maybe?
Her: Haven’t you been watching this?
Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?