I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
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One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen
Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Me: Yes
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
*puts cutlery down*
“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”
No.
“I’ve got plenty of time.”
Sure.
“I’m not lonely.”
Sir, are you going to buy anything?
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.
Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.
So the weekend is off to a great start.
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece