ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
You Might Also Like
Doctor: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in my bed
I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.
Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.
A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: actually i am
me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?