Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
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Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.
And they marry each other.
Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottleWaiter: One ketchup coming up
[kidnapping]
BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.
ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]
BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.
ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.
“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet