a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
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[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time
I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.
HOW DARE YOU
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.
Ex: Please die 😉
What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30
Gucci: What about $200?
Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine
dogs can find happiness so easily
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.