when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”
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Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.
we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
Got a scam email full of mistakes like they’re not even trying. It won’t be long before AI takes their jobs.
A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
I told my vodka about you.
TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question
ME: I figured I’d get a few right
TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice
Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL