cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
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I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
me opening up to someone
baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit
My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*