Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
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2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
My dress code is business-casualty.
An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.