Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
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God, I love Scotland
Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
For the ones in the back.
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
Optional boss fight.
I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spiritseeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power
Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.
Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.