*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
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Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: readyME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
Lmfao
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
Press 1 for English
Press 2 For SpanishPress 1 or 2 for Indian
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.
Me: what should I say instead of bull-
Wife: shhh say snake instead.
Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.
I accidentally squirted body spray in my mouth and now I speak with an Axe scent.
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.
If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?