All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
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[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
Mad Max Arctic Road
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?
Me: Um…
PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?
Me: My —
PS: Tummy tuck?
Me: (looking down)
PS: Breast augmentation?
Me: What’s wrong with my —
PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?
Me: (bursts into tears)
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”