Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
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*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
Monday
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
An evil villain is on the loose
Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?
[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]
Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
*Asteroid crushes Earth*
“Dammit Dad.”
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk