When you take Google Maps too seriously.
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Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”Two days have passed, no reply.
Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
9: Can I sleep with you?
Me: Why?
9: Had a dream about the Lullaby Lady.
M: Who?
9: An old woman with no skin on her hands.
M: Why do you call her that?
9: Because she stands next to your bed and hums while you sleep.
M: Sure, just let Daddy put the house up for sale real quick.
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
this will hang in the louvre one day
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich