Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
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[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
Children of the corn 🌽
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!
[aquarium exit]
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*
Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*
Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.
-Me giving family advice
The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…
cause of death:
autopsy.
Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
Lmfao
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.
Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.