My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.
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One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”
Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?
Me: Who told you my secret?!?
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.