I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.
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Here’s a meme
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.
Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.