[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
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Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
Have kids, they said
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”
just pretend nothing happened
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”
a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.
Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
My 10 y/o daughter refused to eat the oatmeal I made her because it “tastes like wet cardboard” so I tried to be funny and asked her how she would know what wet cardboard tastes like.
10: Don’t ask. The pandemic was hard on all of us.