100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
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Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
[Talking Heads GPS]
YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.