Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
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some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.