Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
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DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
I’m a people person.
Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.
I’m a pizza person.
Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
[Patient room]
ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell
Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’