What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
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Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
The Friday File.
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
Traveler’s camo
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.