I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
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Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.
[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”That’s a stray gerbil.
“And those fish??”
…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM
Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.
Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.
*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
My dentist told me I needed to cut back on the red wine and coffee, so I told her she should cut back on the Botox and Aqua Net. Anyway, that’s why my mouth is bleeding in 14 different places now.
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.