Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
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My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.
Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?
Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!
Where’s Waldo?
*Leans in*
Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.
Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.