Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
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My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us
ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?
me: oh no
2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant
3rd ghost: pleasant
4th ghost: pleasant
5th ghost: pleasant
It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”
Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.
just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
Lady at dog park: Did you adopt your dog?
Me: No, he’s my biological dog.
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
The Dalai Lama: Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace
Parents with kids of all ages: hahahaha yeah ok
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
first you must answer his riddles
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.