Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
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The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.