I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
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when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone