“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
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Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.
{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*
son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.
Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
There are no pants in heaven.
My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.