Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
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My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
[first date]
Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.
Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?
Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub