[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
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I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao
Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.
Me: Absolutely. Email me?
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle
why am I working on Labor Day
I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.
Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus
NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakableMe: HAHA!
Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way
Me:
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it
*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?CAT: lol, no
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.