[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
You Might Also Like
[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
me: what’s your favorite part of fall?
4: jumping in piles of leaves
me: that’s fun. do you like anything else?
4: money
ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door
Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.