Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
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doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no
Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”
I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.