i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
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People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.
Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.
What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order
God: *closes a door*
Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
me: i’d like to go to this place
google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking
me: no i’m driv-
google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes
Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.
[ER Triage Room]
NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?
GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now