Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar
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lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…
Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
Breaking news:
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
Me: *opening trunk*
Tied up Guy: ope
Me: omg this isn’t my car
Tied up Guy:
Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing
Tied up Guy: happens to everyone
Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.
Cool shirt 🙂
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!
I hope I’m doing this right…
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs