Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today
You Might Also Like
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags