Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*
Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”
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HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
LOL!
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
7:01 AM: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Build your 3 year old a blanket fort.
7:10: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ play house.
7:45: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Resolve conflict between your 3 year old’s toys.
8:20: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Fix the blanket fort.
9:00 AM: Drink cold coffee.
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?
March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.
The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff
*hides some stuff
It’s maybe 35%
Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.